raw

I have now had about a week to reflect on my first foster placement and wanted to share for those of you who have asked how things are going. Let me again say thank you to the many people that called or text me to check in. I needed that more than I can say. To have my community rally around me and continue to stay in contact is something that really encouraged me and kept me sane. So thank you :)

On Thursday, September 11th, I got a call around 2:30 pm about a 20-month old little girl. I immediately said yes and picked her up that night. As I rushed around after work to prepare, the only thing I could think about was how stinking nervous I was….was she going to let me hold her? Was she going to be okay with my dogs? What is her story? Am I doing the right thing? Am I capable of this? And on and on and on it went. Needless to say, the Lord really blessed me with a sweet loving toddler that I absolutely fell in love with. Not that she was always easy, but she sure was lovable. I took her everywhere I went. I wanted her to know that I wasn’t going to leave her even though everything in her little life had just changed. I rocked her to sleep every night, sang to her, read to her, held her, did her hair, lotioned her, fed her, bathed her….I was a MOM. An instant first time mom at that. I was told that this was going to be a longer placement, so after having her for six days and being told that she was going to live with a relative, I was shocked (this is just how foster care works…you really never know how long it will be). Six days may not seem like a lot, and it really isn’t, but my heart physically hurt putting her in that car and watching her ride away. It was at that moment that I realized how hard this is going to be. I have struggled with the fact that this is just not fair….and the selfish part of me asks why I have to be the one to give up the children I fall in love with while it seems everyone around me has families and children of their own that they obviously get to keep? I want my life to look different, but is this really what the Lord had in mind? And the answer is yes…it is. This is exactly what He had in mind. I am having to really rest and trust Him more than ever. I have no control over any of these situations. It was hard to give baby T up to someone that I know nothing about. Is she going to be loved? Is she going to be told every single day that Jesus loves her and so does CiCi (that’s me)? Is someone going to brush her teeth, hold her when she cries, take her to the doctor when she is sick, and take care of her every need? This, my friends, is the hardest part. Because I don’t know that. But I do know that I serve a BIG God…..bigger than drug addiction, bigger than abuse, bigger than neglect, bigger than the enemy. So I trust Him. Isn’t that the whole point of Faith…walking in Who we know versus what we see? Foster care is not easy, it’s hard. It isn’t clean, it’s messy. But it is beautiful…not always in what we physically see. Isn’t this how the Gospel goes, though? I think so. Even though I am very new to this, I am proud to be a foster mom. I am also humbled to be a foster mom. And I am relying completely on Jesus to do this well. Thankfully, He is before me, behind me, above me, and below me.

**I am currently on the waiting list again, so at any point I could get another placement :)